After 6 years . . .

It had been like forever. When it was only 6 years. 6 years ago since I decided to leave your side, 6 years ago since I decided to journey my life on my own, and 6 years ago of freeing myself from what I have knows was a so-called life with you, a so-called relationship, a so-called love.

Few days ago, I saw a post that says “Happy 8 years anniversary (with the name of the guy).” I was taken aback and start counting back the years since I met him, since we became official as boyfriend and girlfriend. And I was so right, that with all the 2 and a half years we’ve been together, he actually cheated on me for 2 years. I was inlove, and I wanna believe that he loves me more than this girl but with the help of what we call  women intuition I have to do what is best for me.

Staring at the post I try to analyze myself and my feelings whether I’m hurt or if there is still pain. I was shocked when I didn’t felt anything, not even mixed emotions, or a wishful thinking that it could have been me with him for 8 years. I know somehow I got hurt knowing I was cheated and lied unto within the two 2 years of our relationship, but the pain he caused me was nowhere to be found in my system. I’m perfectly fine. No jealousy felt. No pain. No regrets.

For the past years, I struggle to be okay. I prayed hard to be guided on the right path and let go of the negative emotions. The pain that I felt those days can never be fathom. Though i’m never jealous, nor insecure. But it caused me a lot of sleepless crying nights with my pillows and bed. Struggles of waking up and wishing it was all just a dream and that everything will be fine, afterall. Turned myself into “we’re just friends” to all the men I met.

I know that time, all I want is acceptance, acceptance that will lead me to a meaningful and happy life that I have now. Wishing for karma had never been in my vocabulary, because I know there were days when he wondered for the what if’s, too. The prayers had guided me thoroughly that even reading that kind of post makes me shrug off my shoulder and can proudly say “I know, I have moved on and i know I’m fine.”

Through the years I tried to get rid of bitterness in my heart because I know it will never get me nowhere. And because of him, he made me a better person. He taught me to be strong, he taught me to love my self more, he taught me to respect myself.

There were days in between that I still think of him, wish I can still talk to him but never wishing to be back in a relationship with him. He might have cheated on me but he had been a good friend to me too. Someday, if our path crossed again, I will surely hug him tight and tell him how thankful I am what he had done to me. For if it wasn’t for me, I will never be the ME today.