a letter to ibai

*NOTE: was scanning my documents here in my computer when i found this..well, reading it now it makes me LAUGH OUT LOUD. guess, it's a sign that i moved on ;)



Bai

Tomorrow, it will be a 4 years, 1939 days, 64 months, 275 weeks since the 22nd of October. It was 5 years ago, that I was anticipating tomorrow. It was 5 years ago that I was sure, very sure, that you loved me back. I kept thinking, tomorrow will be the day. It was 5 years ago, that I was sure I had made the right choice. I was in love and for once, I wasn’t going to regret it, because you loved me back, right?

It will be 5 years when I was bursting with love, happiness, contentment –every good thing imaginable. Everything was perfect day for me.

How you gave your anniversary gift to me was spectacular. Who would have guessed that a perfect day would end with a perfect night? Not even in my wildest dreams did i imagine that a simple thing like that was to be given under the stars. The only thing that would have made it more perfect than it already was, was if you told me that you loved me, and will for all eternity. Sadly, that didn’t happen.

A month ago I decided it was time to LET GO. I’ve waited for too long and nothing ever happened, so why should it happen then?

A month ago after that, I found out that you fell in love with another girl. Well, you can just imagine how I felt after I found out. Like murder a thousand times over. I couldn’t help thinking that we decided to give each other space, would I be the one you loved and not her?

I look back on this time few years back and suddenly sigh involuntarily. Life now is so different from life back then. I don’t even feel like I know myself anymore. This year just pales in comparison with the last.

4 years ago valentines was indeed part of my happiness. This year, it is a day before valentines and I have yet to feel its spirit. 4 years ago, I became a better person because I met you again after I once did. This year, my attitude deteriorated. 4 years ago, the glass was half full. This year, the glass is half empty.

4 years ago, I had love. This year, I have only memories.

Mere words cannot express how I felt for you. Truly, you were the first after he who I swore he would be the last. But who knows, maybe you aren’t the last one. Maybe the last is somewhere out there, someone I’ll meet on a busy street corner, or someone I’ve met ten years ago in school. Or, he’s just a figment of my imagination, and love doesn’t really exist.

I have moved on. Moreover, I have to LET GO. Of you, of me, of what once was, and of what never will be.

But I have yet to find closure – and I will when you answer just one last question. Call me what you want, but sincerely refuse to believe that ‘no’ is not the answer.

Did you, even just for a split second, love me back?

Or were all those times you called, those love quotes you sent me, those endless and sleepless text messages, those cards and pictures, meaningless?

Just answer me with a yes, and I SHALL FOREVER LET US GO.

Will all the love I can muster,
Your ibai